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Combining Writing and School-Age Kids

Published on by Kristi Holl

Yesterday we talked about how to Combine Babies and Bylines. There are challenges galore when writing with newborns and babies in the house. At that stage, we usually daydream of that magical day when the kids will be in school and we’ll have all those uninterrupted hours to write.

Yes, it is easier to write when kids are older, but not necessarily easy. You still need ways to be there for your family while making time for quality writing.

One place I found a ton of helpful advice when I was starting out was the book above: How to be a Successful Housewife/Writer. It always helps to learn from someone who practices what they preach.

Wearing So Many Hats

Life is hectic at this time, with chauffeuring kids to baseball and ballet. You may also work full- or part-time. More demands are made on your evenings and weekends. At this stage, the key is to be flexible and disciplined.

*Write wherever/whenever you can. I finished an entire novel by writing in the orthodontist’s waiting room, bleachers during basketball practice, and the doctor’s office while my daughter got her weekly allergy shots.

*If you work outside the home, write on the bus if you commute. Use a voice activated tape recorder if you have to drive. Write during your lunch hour. One time I worked as a receptionist in a dental office to make ends meet. I took my laptop to work with me and wrote during my lunch hour–and got a surprising amount written. And there’s always pen and paper.

*Go to the library to write some evenings or weekends. Grab a few hours of peace and quiet there. (I still do that–to make myself stay off email and work!) If you can concentrate in a book store or coffee shop, take your writing there for a couple hours.

*If your days are free while your kids are in school, limit TV, Internet surfing, volunteering, and lunches out. You must CHOOSE writing and choose it first whenever possible, before other activities. When helping at your kids’ schools, volunteer for ONE activity at the beginning of the school year (e.g. help with the Christmas party) instead of becoming room mother or some job that takes many hours per month. (Remember: more than one school-age child multiplies the requests for volunteering.)

*When working at home, use an answering machine and voice mail. Kids learn to remember their own homework and lunches if you’re no longer available to run forgotten items to school.

Turn Experiences into Manuscripts

Much of my early publishing success came directly from parenting school-age kids. I wrote articles like “Telephone Safety” for Jack & Jill. I also wrote novels like The Haunting of Cabin 13 (children’s choice award winner) after camping with my school-age kids in Backbone State Park in Iowa.

Parenting school-age children doesn’t have to mean choosing between your family and your writing. Try combining them instead. This age group provides you with rich material. Make flexibility your watch word, and you’ll be able to juggle both.

My children helped me be a better writer–and writing daily helped me be a better (happier) mom!

Combine Babies and Bylines

Published on by Kristi Holl

 

I started writing when I had an infant, a two-year-old, and a preschooler. I wrote throughout their school years, their teen years, their college/adult years, and now full circle when I am babysitting grandkids.

The (survival) skills you need to both write and parent change with each stage of your children’s lives. (Sometimes your biggest need is time or energy. Other times your biggest need is keeping your sanity!)

So between now and Mother’s Day, I want to blog about practical ways to combine writing and parenting throughout these stages. Just as beneficial, I hope I can show you some ways that your kids can be your best source of material. (Let’s start at the very beginning…)

Writing with Infants & Small Children

When raising babies and small children, FINDING TIME to write is the toughest ask. Try these ideas:

*Jot down story and article ideas when you’re forced to sit– waiting rooms, nursing the baby, etc.

*Prewrite.  Think through your plot lines, article openings, and titles while doing non-think activities like cooking supper and vacuuming. You don’t have time to waste at the keyboard. You may only have ten minutes.

*Outline. When you sit down to write, you’ll know exactly where you are; you won’t waste time getting started.

*Keep writing supplies organized, in one spot, out of little ones’ reach. (For years I wrote in a small closet painted orange with a door on it for this reason.)

*Hire a sitter or barter with a friend to trade babysitting. I never did this, but I know others have. Use these uninterrupted blocks of time for serious writing. Save those other miscellaneous writing chores for those tiny segments of free time.

Turn Childhood Experiences into Writing

One such experience of mine with small children became an article for Farm Woman (later called Country Woman) entitled “Treasure This Day,” which was reprinted in Catholic Digest. It was a simple article about the joys and frustrations of gardening with a baby, a toddler and preschooler in tow.

Another book, For Every Joy That Passes, has a mother in it who runs a daycare in her home; many of my baby and toddler experiences went in there.

My published stories, articles and books based almost directly on my kids would take pages to list. Just be aware that your children–especially when you write for the juvenile market–are one of your best research sources.

(If you have a tip for busy moms of very young children, do share it below or on Facebook. Don’t assume that it’s too simple, or everyone already does it.)

Hats Off to Mom Writers!

Published on by Kristi Holl

Mom writers are a special breed, and my hat goes off to you. I started writing when my children were babies and toddlers, but I haven’t been in that life stage for a long time. I often keep my grandkids (ages 12, 9, 4, and 1) though. It quickly brings back the challenges of combining children and writing–both finding time and finding energy.

It also reminds me of the real blessing it is to have children around on a daily basis when you write for children. As Katherine Paterson once said: “As I look back on what I have written, I can see that the very persons who have taken away my time are those who have given me something to say.”

Hands-On Research

I’ve been writing a middle-grade novel that includes a kindergarten boy, but until this week, the character was pretty flat to me. I couldn’t seem to get the dialogue quite right or the humorous actions I wanted.

After this week, though, the problem is a thing of the past. I have a small notebook of ideas gleaned from watching the grandkids at the park, playing dress-up, investigating birds and bugs, and turning cardboard boxes into boats and sleds.

Help for Mamas

Mixing babies and bylines can be a real challenge though. Years ago, I relied heavily on a book that is now out of print. However, a friend recommended a book for writer/moms that sounds wonderful called Writer Mama: How to Raise a Writing Career Alongside Your Kids by Christina Katz. It has 90% five-star reviews on Amazon, so I’m guessing it’s just what the doctor ordered if you’re balancing kids and a writing career.

In the coming weeks leading up to Mother’s Day, we’ll focus on how to combine writing with babies, toddlers, elementary age kids, teens, young adults, married children…and grandchildren! Each age comes with its own challenges–and its own solutions. If you’re in the writing life for the long haul, you’ll need this bag of tricks!

Do Facts Equal Truth?

Published on by Kristi Holl

About ten years ago, someone said to me, “You write fiction because you can’t handle the real world.”

I was stunned by the accusation. For one thing, my fictional characters were very real to me! And I tackled real situations in my books–often based on actual events. From my childhood on, I’d learned a lot of truth about the human condition from reading fiction. In many cases, I learned more from fiction than from observing my real world.

Do Facts Equal Truth?

In Madeleine L’Engle {Herself}: Reflections on a Writing Life, the Newbery-award winner wrote about this issue “the truth of art”: “Once when I suggested to a student that he go to the encyclopedia when he wanted to look up a fact, he asked me, ‘But can’t I find truth in stories too?’ My reply: ‘Who said anything about truth? I told you to look up facts in the encyclopedia. When you’re looking for truth, then look in art, in poetry, in story, in painting and music.’ Now this student was doing no more than making the mistake of many of his elders, confusing provable fact with truth, and then fearing truth enough to try to discount it. If I want to search for the truth of the human heart, I’m more apt to go to Dostoyevsky’s Brothers Karamazov than a book on anatomy.”

I think that people who discount fiction don’t really understand it–or haven’t read much of it. They don’t grasp the power of story to carry truth. They have a bit of a superior attitude, as if reading a biography or a book on unclogging your sink has more merit than a novel.

Truth Learned in Fiction

I still have most of my favorite childhood books, and I still re-read some of them. I loved sharing them with my daughters, and I now love sharing them with my grandchildren. Some truths are universal and timeless (like the lessons on friendship learned from Charlotte’s Web.)

My all-time favorite children’s book was Little Women. I learned a lot of important truths from the March family: how to love deeply, how to grieve a loss and go on, and how to feed the imagination. (I expect the writing “bug” bit me then, as I watched Jo March toiling away in the attic over her stories.) I learned that writers wrote about what they knew, what they cared deeply about, and how to have hope.

Life Lessons

What about you? What book or two from your own childhood impacted you? What truths do you remembering learning in fiction?

Write More Because Quantity Improves Quality

Published on by Kristi Holl

I just finished a second 55,000 word novel in six months and sent it off to my editor. In addition to the writing, this five months included Christmas and trips and some sickness. To my surprise, the quality of the last book was considerably better written than anything I’ve done in a while. I was expecting the opposite because it had been written when I was very tired.

But then I remembered some advice I heard years ago from Jane Yolen that helped explain it. She spoke to a group of us in San Antonio at a writer’s retreat weekend.

Telling It Like It Is

At the retreat/workshop, award-winning writer Jane Yolen made a statement that stunned the group of fourteen published writers who attended. Before the workshop, Jane had read and critiqued chapters submitted by each writer.

When she handed back the critiqued manuscripts, she said (paraphrased), “Half of you here have as much talent as I do. About one-fourth of you probably have more talent than I do.” (Imagine fourteen mouths dropping open in disbelief.) “But,” Jane added, looking around the circle of writers, “I guarantee you that I write more than any of you.”

Quantity AND Quality

She claimed it was a big key to her immense success. If we wanted to grow as writers, she advised us to write every single day, even for just half an hour, and for two reasons. One was to keep our minds immersed in our writing projects. The second—the most important to me—was that daily writing should improve the quality of our writing.

I had signed up for the workshop, hoping to find the “magic key” I needed to bring my writing up a notch or two. And there it was: write more. If you want to bring your writing up to the next level, write more. If you want to improve in your handling of the English language and all its creative components, write more. If you want to publish more, fall in love with writing again, and feel like a “real writer,” write more.

How Much and When?

The workshop weekend also included a private 15-minute critique with Jane. We were allowed to ask anything we liked. Among other things, I wanted to know her writing schedule—especially as I knew from her online journal that she traveled extensively to speak and she was (like most mothers and grandmothers) very involved with her family.

Come to find out, Jane does write a lot—and read a lot—but it wasn’t some horrendous schedule like ones I’d heard about. I had half expected another “I get up at 3 a.m. and write for twelve hours, seven days a week” explanation for her prolific output. But that wasn’t the case.

She got to her desk at a decent time, maybe around 8 or 9, did some email and checked a few things, then got to work. If my memory is correct, she said she worked till mid-afternoon or so on those days she was home to write. She wasn’t a hermit though—she frequently had meetings and dinners with friends.

She travels to speak many days out of the average month. She deals with family and life issues like everyone else. Still, I believed her statement about writing more than all of us was probably true. She has a huge number of published books of the highest award quality to show for it.

Start Where You Are

Sure, many of us can’t write five hours every day. There are full-time day jobs, children and grandchildren underfoot, sick parents to care for, etc. But to improve in our writing, we all need to start somewhere. We’re just talking about writing more. Writing more for you might be increasing from two hours per week to three, or increasing daily writing time by fifteen minutes.

So what’s the big deal about writing more? Well, it’s been shown that more hours spent writing equals more quantity equals better quality. “Writing more” certainly produces more quantity: more stories, articles, books, plays. But I think the often overlooked “plus” of writing more is that your quality goes up.

Real Results

In the month after the workshop, I wrote more “new words” and did more revising than probably in the previous six months.  The drafts got cleaner, and descriptive language started to flow, with less effort on my part. (Sometimes it even surprised me, since similes and metaphors have never come willingly to my typing fingers.)

I hope to get closer and closer to Jane’s advice about writing every day. As Susan Shaughnessy says in Walking on Alligators, “Writers are those who write…Days off are deadly. One follows another, and all too soon fears creep back in. Nothing is as easily delayed as writing.”

Although my next deadline has more breathing room in it, I want to keep writing at a good clip. I like what is has produced. And I especially liked the realization about half-way through this period that I had fallen in love with writing again. That’s worth about a million dollars!

Taking a Break from Brain Snakes

Published on by Kristi Holl

I’m winding up my third big deadline this coming week, but until next Friday, I’m really pressed for time.

So, to avoid ending the month looking like the chap below, I’m taking a break and won’t be posting again until a week from today.

In the meantime, here are two terrific articles for you to read. They define a current writing life problem (one I struggle with) and give some solutions. It’s a subject under discussion a lot lately, but these articles by Therese Walsh are especially well written.

Part 1: Monotasking: The Forgotten Skill You (and I) Need to Re-Claim, ASAP

Part 2: Snakes on a Brain (Multitasking Series)

Stage 2: Committing to Change

Published on by Kristi Holl

(First read previous entries, The Dynamics of Change and Stage 1: Making Up Your Mind)

Okay, we’re ready for Stage 2: Committing to Change. This is not taking action yet. Instead, this stage involves:

1) Planning the necessary steps
2) Building up your motivation
3) Considering possible distractions and/or discouraging things that might cause a setback

The change you make at this point is to shift from “passively wishing to achieve your goal to actively committing to make it happen.” (Neil Fiore in Awaken Your Strongest Self.) If you did the work in Stage 1 (thinking through the risks and benefits, plus evaluating your personal abilities), you should have fairly realistic expectations of what does–and doesn’t–work for you at your particular stage of life.

Time to Experiment

Before you plan the necessary steps to succeed in making permanent changes as a writer, you’ll want to take time to experiment in small ways. See what you like and don’t like. See what works for you–and what doesn’t.

  • Try writing for 15 minutes upon awakening or right after your morning coffee.
  • Stay offline until 10:00 a.m. for three days.
  • Try writing at the library during two lunch hours this week.
  • Read a writing blog before you get on Facebook or Twitter.

Record your thoughts and feelings when you introduce these writing changes. How do you feel? What works and what doesn’t? You can’t fail at this stage. You are only gathering information.

Some of these changes you’ll love and find so easy! Others you won’t find helpful at all. But as you succeed with certain writing changes (writing 15 minutes each evening while supper cooks, reading 5 pages per day of a writing book), your motivation will rise. You’ll feel more like a writer automatically.

Mental Rehearsals

During this stage you also need to think through strategies for dealing with obstacles, distractions and setbacks. One of the most effective (and fun!) ways to do this is using what athletes call “mental rehearsals.” They imagine how they’ll handle challenges at each step along the way. [NOTE: This is not just wishful thinking. Current books on brain chemistry show incredible studies and brain x-rays, revealing changes made in the brain after “mental rehearsals.”]

Envisioning how you will handle writing distractions (toddlers wanting to be entertained, friends calling to chat, school vacations) and setbacks (an editor rejects your novel after two revisions, computer crashes) helps you build stamina or mental toughness.

Use mental movies to confront each setback or distraction. Instead of your usual reaction (chocolate, TV, surfing the ‘Net), clearly envision yourself sitting tight, working methodically through your writing problem, piling up a stack of new pages, and keeping to your deadline with ease.

Not all interruptions and distractions happen to us. Be aware that you often seek out distractions as well. In order to escape writing blocks or manuscripts that just aren’t working well, we often attempt to escape the anxiety or boredom or agitation by looking for distractions.

Are You Ready?

The final part of Stage 2 is actually committing to the change. Take time to think and journal about the strength of your commitment. If you want to succeed–and make the success permanent–it needs to be more than a wish. It needs to be a strong intention.

So, what do you intend to do? What change(s) in your writing life do you intend to make? Now is the time to commit.

Stage 1 of Change: Making Up Your Mind

Published on by Kristi Holl

(If you haven’t already, read the overview, The Dynamics of Change.)

You want to make changes in your writing life that will last?

Let’s start at the beginning, with Stage 1: Making Up Your Mind. As I said last time, this stage involves several things, including the following:

  • feeling the pain that prompts you to change
  • evaluating the risks and benefits of the goals you have in mind
  • evaluating your current ability

Not Yet!

In this stage, you do not make any changes. Not yet. As tempting as it is, do not jump in and “just do it!” Remember how far your willpower has taken you in the past–and wait.

Resist the temptation to cycle through another of these episodes:

 try–>fail–>try harder–>fail again–>discouragement

Instead, lay the necessary groundwork to make permanent changes.

The Pain of Not Changing

Wanting to make a change–but never making it–is exhausting. It hangs over our heads, constantly reminding us of some incompleted task. When you really feel the pain of not changing, you’re on your way to making up your mind. (And if you’re willing to live with the pain of not realizing your writing dreams, that’s your choice as well.)

Actively and colorfully imagine staying the same the next five years. Imagine that it’s 2020. You’re still trying to implement the “write daily” habit, you’re still trying to finish that novel, you’re still too afraid to talk to agents or editors at writer’s conferences, and you’re still unpublished. When writers’ block hits–or simply a normal writer’s frustration–you still reach for doughnuts or a cigarette or settle in for an hour of mindless TV.

It’s 2020, and nothing has changed–except you have gained fifteen pounds, you’re still stuck in a day job you hate, your baby is in kindergarten (and you never did get to work from home), or your military spouse has moved the family again (and you still don’t have a career that can move with you.)

Write out the “future” scenario in vivid color based on doing nothing different. A clear image of future pain strengthens our determination to face our current fears about changing.

Risks and Benefits of the Change

Explore (either on your own or with a friend/counselor) the benefits of making the short- and long-term writing changes you are considering. Follow the changes five years into your future and see the benefits of having written steadily for five years, submitting steadily for five years, getting five years’ worth of critiques, etc.

The risks? Most of them have to do with facing your writing fears. For a week (two is better) observe yourself and your thoughts when you sit down to write (or when you avoid it.) You’re not trying to change here–just observe your reactions when trying to write.

Do you feel anxiety? What do you think? (“Who am I kidding? I can’t do this!”) What do you do? (Write half a paragraph, then reach for chocolate?) The only risk here is being honest with yourself, which is necessary if you’re going to honestly evaluate your current ability…

Current State of Affairs

After spending a couple of weeks observing your writing habits, you may have uncovered a few issues to address (procrastination, feeling isolated, self-doubt, self-sabotage, fears of failure or success, etc.) Maybe you just lack motivation; whatever the issue(s), this is the time to work on them.

How you deal with them (and a combination of solutions usually works best) will vary from writer to writer. Some ways to motivate yourself and work on various writing fears include:

Remember, all this thinking and journaling and dreaming is still Stage One. You haven’t committed to making any changes yet. You’re still making up your mind. You’re thinking things through thoroughly.

And you’re giving yourself the best possible chance to succeed–permanently.

Do you find this thinking stage comforting? Threatening? Discouraging? Encouraging? All of the above? Embrace it all at this point as you gather information–and get ready for the next step.

Key #4: Focus In

Published on by Kristi Holl

The ability to focus in, or place your attention on your work, is the fourth master key for getting into the easy writing called “flow.”

[If you’re just now joining the discussion, you may want to back up and first read Writing in Flow to Make Writing Fun, Key #1: Have a Reason to Write, Key #2: Think Like a Writer, and Key #3: Loosen Up.]

Defining Terms

According to Susan Perry, author of Writing in Flow, “Your whole mind has to get involved in the job of writing, with not a bit of mental energy left over to wander here and there. Only when your attention is fully focused on the task you’re trying to accomplish is flow a likely scenario.”

Before you read more, you might want to jot down a list of things that make your mind wander here and there instead of focusing in on your writing. It might include things you worry about (writing or non-writing related), noise distractions, boredom, too-tight deadlines, and more. Read Perry’s following suggestions, applying the ideas to the items on your list.

Antidotes to Scattered Focus

ONE: Pay close attention. If you are pondering the past or the future, with worry or regret, you’re nowhere near being in flow. Flow writing requires paying attention to the writing that is in front of you right now. Focusing on yourself can lead to anxiety. You must help yourself enter the flow state by “deciding to direct your awareness to a limited stimulus field.” This is what great athletes do to perform well. You may decide to worry about your situation later. (You can even put it on your schedule!) Then, while the situation is on the back burner, focus hard on the writing right in front of you. Picture a horse wearing blinders. Focus like that. [Understand that I’m not talking about true emergencies here. In that case, deal with the emergency. However, very little of what we worry about is an immediate emergency.]

TWO: Complexify! Staying with a writing task (and remaining in a flow state) means you aren’t bored. You aren’t writing the “same old, same old” kind of thing. You must learn, in the author’s words, to “complexify.” Make the story, the characters, and the plot complex enough to hold your interest. (Because let’s face it, if your mind is wandering because this particular spot in the writing is boring to you, it will be boring to your readers as well.) Learn techniques to complexify. What would feel fresh and motivating to you? What would bring novelty to the situation you’re writing about? Could you bring in another character? Could your own worst personal nightmare happen to your main character?

THREE: Shake things up. Your story line may be fine, but your boredom may come from physically being in a rut. You might need to seek out ways to shake up your day-to-day routine, and see how it affects your creativity. If you need strict routine to write in flow, then stay at your desk, but maybe try some background music or candles or do some exercises every half hour to stimulate blood flow. I have a friend who gets bored writing in her office, and she can return to a flow state simply by going to the library or a coffee shop to write. While that scenario wrecks my flow, it helps hers. So don’t dismiss ideas unless you try them. We’re all so different!

FOUR: Find the silent center. “Most writers throughout history have found they need to carve out a sense of solitude for their writing time,” whether that means physically isolating themselves from the activity around them, or mentally withdrawing from noise and commotion. That craving for a “room of one’s own” is a recognition of the need for this solitude.

FIVE: Find your passion. “If you crave more frequent flow experiences, seek out passionate projects whenever you can.” When you’re not passionate about your work–when you don’t care all that much about the project you’re working on–you’re not in flow. Every little interruption and distraction will grab your attention. Do your utmost to work on things you really care about.

SIX: Lower your sights. As popular mystery writer Sue Grafton explained, she couldn’t think about reviewers, or her readers, or any issues that raised her anxiety level. She advises writers to “lower your sights. Quit looking at the end product.” She said her only responsibility was to write the next sentence well. She pulled her focus down to as small a chunk as she could. So break down your project into tiny slices of work–and just concentrate on the next slice. [The best way I’ve found to do this is to use mini habits.] For a good article on focus, read what this teacher does with his students.