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When Your Writer’s Personality is Rejected

Published on by Kristi Holl

The post below about a writer’s personality ran six years ago, and something happened this past week that reminded me of how much we need other writers. I am blessed to have two such people as close friends: one who is my age and in relatively the same stage in life, and one who is 15 years older, who has weathered tougher times than I have and still kept her marvelous sense of humor. I hope to be like her someday. However, the first 2/3 of my writing life wasn’t like that, and I felt truly alone in this venture. If that sounds like you, read on (including the comments which I saved.) When I say that “we’re all in this together,” I mean it.

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If you’ve studied personality types, you may have noticed how many writers have a good dose of the Melancholy Temperament.

Some of the signs:

  • You’re sensitive to your own feelings plus the vibes given off by others.
  • You notice things that go over the heads of others.
  • You love solitude—and need it to feel sane and calm.
  • You like to think, and think deeply.
  • You may be more of an observer at parties, avoiding the limelight if possible.

All those traits help your writing immensely. Other writers will love those traits in you.

Unwelcome Personality

Be warned, however. Many people in your life won’t like some of your creative personality. When that happens, it will feel like another form of rejection.

I was reminded of this when re-reading a terrific book called The Soul Tells a Story by Vinita Hampton Wright. Here’s what  the author has to say about this:

“My gifts were always welcomed and encouraged in my family, church, and school communities. What was not welcomed was the personality from which those gifts spring. I was moody, easily depressed and extremely introverted. I had no social skills, was too honest when I talked, and didn’t know anything about flirtation or other forms of politics.” She added that she had “an overriding sense that people didn’t accept me as I was. I would be told to stop having a long face, that I should smile more, that I should be more outgoing…that to be inward was to be self-centered.”

If you have some Melancholy Temperament, and you also grew up in a dysfunctional environment, your personality traits may be even more pronounced.

Finding a Kindred Personality

I could really identify with Ms. Wright’s words. All my life I’ve been told that I think too much. So my best friend (a non-writer) shocked me when we first met. She said, “I like that you read a lot and think deeply.” She does too—and we bonded for life! You need to have such kindred souls in your life–even one will do.

I’m not saying we never need to change. And I’m not suggesting that you announce to your family “I’m moody because I’m a writer, so get over it” or snarl “Go away and leave me ALONE because I’m an introvert” or tell people off because you are honest.

On the other hand, stop tying yourself into a pretzel to be what someone else thinks you should be.

Be Grateful for Your Writer’s Personality

I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to “undo” my writer’s personality, not realizing what it was (or that it was part of a gift). You may find that there are few people that you can be your unvarnished self with. (I am blessed with a best friend, a dear sister, and another writer who let me relax and say whatever is on my mind and never judge or reject me. If you have even ONE person in your life where you can do that, you are blessed.)

With everyone else, I tone down the tell-it-like-it-is honesty, and I smile whether I want to or not. I developed social tricks to get others to talk so I didn’t have to. I’ve dumped my “unacceptable” feelings into journals for nearly thirty years.

I might not be as brave as some of you. Or maybe I’m just old enough to be too tired to deal with people who don’t understand me and don’t want to try. It stirs up exhausting discussions that go nowhere. I’d rather save that energy for my writing.

Put Your Writer’s Personality to Good Use

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t stuff things till I implode. (I used to–bad for the blood pressure!) Instead, I pour those in-your-face honest feelings into my fiction and nonfiction. I let characters say things I don’t say anymore. I tend to create characters that feel like they’re out of the mainstream socially. And I love characters who are sensitive and probably think too much.

Ms. Wright says: “Creativity takes you places that are weird to others. Don’t be surprised when others reject you for being different, asking too many questions or expressing yourself in ways that are unfamiliar to them.”

You’re not alone if you get this type of reaction fairly often. Just be sure to hang out with people—like me—who will value your writer’s personality. They’re out there. Look for them, and don’t stop till you find one. I was in my late 30s before I found a truly kindred soul.

When you find someone who likes your writer’s personality, you may find out that they’re undercover writers as well. If so, you’re doubly blessed.

If you’ve ever felt this way, please leave a comment! You’re among friends here! [NOTE: I understand that a security issue has blocked comments. I have a “work order” into Sucuri to get it fixed, in case you try to post and can’t. Argh!]

The People Around You: Well-Poisoners, Lawn-Mowers, and Life-Enhancers

Published on by Kristi Holl

The blog post earlier this week, Conversations Crucial for Creative Success, generated more private email responses from people than any post I’ve written in years.

Some readers told about overcoming the negative impact of verbal put-downs by parents and other family members. Some blog readers found people in their lives to lack reciprocity: no willingness to make room for a writer’s dreams if it cost them any of the writer’s time or attention. A couple people described the most supportive critique groups imaginable–and their “make or break” value to the unpublished writer. (I would add that they are just as critical after being published. The challenges are different then, but just as tough.) 

It Takes All Kinds to Make a World

After reading the posts, I went digging for a quote I had read somewhere. It was something the late Walt Disney said:

“There are three kinds of people in the world. First, there are the well-poisoners, who discourage you and stomp on your creativity and tell you what you can’t do. Then there are the lawn-mowers, people who are well-intentioned but self-absorbed. They tend to their own needs, mow their own lawns, and never leave their yards to help another person. Finally, there are life-enhancers, people who reach out to enrich the lives of others, to lift them up and inspire them.

Walt had his share of well-poisoners and lawn-mowers in his life, but hopefully, he had plenty of life-enhancers too. His creativity produced some of the best-loved movies my kids grew up on and my grandkids still enjoy. 

Be Selective

The words of others do have an impact on us, whether positive or negative, so be aware of this. As much as possible, limit the time spent with the doom-and-gloom naysayers in your life (or don’t share your writing dreams with them).

You will know, after a few attempts, which people will support you and who will deflate your dreams. Protect your dreams at every stage of your career from those who, for whatever reasons, are discouraging.

On the flip side of this coin, make a concerted effort to find supportive friends. It doesn’t always have to be another writer who understands “writing issues,” but someone who will simply encourage your dreams. If you find an encouraging writer–or joy of joys, a whole critique group of writers!–consider yourself blessed. Hang onto them for dear life.

Weeding and Feeding

One of the quickest ways to weed out the negative well-poisoners, I’ve found, is to agree with them. “Yes, you’re right! Very few people make a living by writing novels, but I’m still going to try.” [SMILE] “Yes, you’re right. My routines have changed. Now I use my best time in the morning for writing and use my tired brain time later in the day for housework.” “Yes, it’s quite possible that my first sale was a fluke and it won’t happen again. But I love to write, so I’ll keep writing anyway.”

For the lawn-mowers in your life, who focus on their own needs but don’t notice you’d like some help too, it’s easiest to just ignore them. Drop your expectations that they will notice your need and volunteer. Make your writing plans independent of them. If you have small children, write when they sleep or trade babysitting time with another mom or write while the kids have swim lessons. Make plans to carry out your goals as if it only depended on you–because in the end, it does.

For the life-enhancers, the best way to find them is to be one yourself. Go to writing events. Join online writing groups, like the free NaNoWriMo events or those for your special type of writing. (e.g. Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators, Mystery Writers of America, Romance Writers of America, American Christian Fiction Writers, Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America.) Join critique groups, or form one yourself.

People for Your Inner Circle

When you meet other writers, encourage them in their writing attempts. Granted, a small number might turn out to be well-poisoner writers. Thankfully, they are few and far between. More will be lawn-mower writers, those who want and need and welcome your encouragement, but don’t give much back.

Hold out for the life-enhancer type of writer, someone who won’t just take encouragement, but give some back as well. These are your keepers. These are the writers you want in your inner circle. These are “your people.” Then you can have those “crucial conversations” needed for your creativity.”

 

The Disappearing Writer: Now You See Him, Now You Don’t!

Published on by Kristi Holl

 I appreciate the notes I’ve received since re-starting the blog this month. I was asked a number of times, “Where have you been the last two years?” Because my Writer’s First Aid blog is all about helping writers hang in there and not quitting and not giving up on writing dreams, it’s certainly a legitimate question. As one person asked, “When writers disappear, where do they go?”

So this post is more about me and my life than most posts I write. Hopefully, you will be encouraged not to quit when life “happens,” as it does to us all. The last two years, it just happened that a LOT of life happened. Some events were quite painful, some intensely annoying, and some brought great joy. In each case, I learned valuable lessons. So . . . here are main events since I disappeared!

My Mom’s Sudden Passing

Mom and Dad’s engagement picture, 1948

Two years ago this month, at the time of my last new blog post, I was battling some symptoms (losing eyesight, exhaustion, hair falling out, not sleeping), plus I’d signed too many book contracts and was struggling to keep up. My mom in Florida (88) had had major heart surgery and other hospitalizations. Then my sister called to say Mom (who had recovered SO well and was even back to ballroom dancing) had died suddenly. So the summer of 2016 passed in a blur as we dealt with estate matters, cleaned out her house where she’d lived for 41 years, and got it sold. As those of you who have been through this process know, it takes a while to recover.

Sign on Gravestone: I Told You I Was Sick

During this time, I continued to get sicker, but doctors kept writing the symptoms off as “aging” issues that I needed to accept. Not very helpful! I burned the midnight oil Googling symptoms. Long story short on the health issues: when you are sure there is something wrong and doctors aren’t/won’t/can’t order the tests you need, find an independent lab nearby and order the tests yourself. I’m so glad I did!

By the time I could convince doctors that there was something seriously wrong with me, I had had the lab work done, got a diagnosis, and started a treatment program of my own found through reading online, watching conference videos, and studying current medical research. By the time doctors diagnosed my main issue, I had been on a treatment program of supplements and major dietary changes and was starting to see improved lab results. Be proactive in your own healthcare! It’s an ongoing learning process, but I am thrilled to feel better now than I have in years.

New Books Out

I was writing a lot during this time, and here are the last six adult mysteries I have had published by Annie’s Publishing. [I had someone ask if this was self-publishing. No, it isn’t. This company does many mystery series, and I have written for four of their series. They publish in hardcover, and now ebooks too, I’ve heard. https://www.anniesfiction.com/]

      

     

I have thoroughly enjoyed writing for my own age group after only writing fiction for children nearly thirty years. The only mistake I made was signing too many contracts at first, not taking into account the length difference between adult and children’s books. That sounds like a no-brainer, I know, but it didn’t register till later. You can read about them here if you want to know the plots: https://www.kristiholl.com/mysteries-for-adults-and-children/

Watch Your Step!

In April of 2017, I was gardening in the back yard, stepped backward without thinking, and tripped over a full watering can. I went down hard on our rocky dry Texas soil, tried to brace my fall, and broke my left wrist in four places and popped out my left shoulder. I avoided surgery but had to have three casts over eleven weeks, as they put me in traction and lined up each bone so it would attach. (I have tiny bones, without enough to attach steel plates and rods to, so I’m glad they avoided surgery.) They have a saying at the hospital: “crooked arm equals straight bone.” It was hard to believe when I saw the finished casts, but the x-rays did indeed show all the bone pieces in straight lines. [After seeing the shape of the cast, it made sense that physical therapy had to follow.]

I still had contracts to fulfill, and thankfully I had broken the left wrist. I used to enjoy writing by hand, so that’s what I did, filling up spiral notebooks and writing 55,000 words by hand in a couple of weeks. [I actually DID enjoy writing with no distractions that come with a computer. Your paper and pen don’t ding, squeak, ring or crash.]

Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way

Once the last cast came off, I had to start typing, but after all summer in casts, my wrist was frozen in a position with the thumb pointing up. I couldn’t rotate my wrist so that the palm faced up or down. I knew that the physical therapy later for my wrist would correct this, but in the meantime, I couldn’t type on a regular keyboard.

However, I found a new keyboard online that looked like something out of a Star Wars movie. It didn’t matter that my wrist was frozen in place because with this keyboard, you type with your thumbs pointed up. It is for people to cure carpal tunnel syndrome or who have had a broken wrist or wrist surgery. My speed was very slow, and I had to do a lot of one-finger correcting, but the book got turned in on time, and I took a break then.

Blessings in the Brokenness

I had had a lot of thinking time when in my casts since I couldn’t drive, and for a long time it was painful to ride anywhere in a car. It gave me time to think, to evaluate my frenetic writing lifestyle, and make some changes.

I remembered a book project that I’d put on the back burner for more than five years, one of those projects that you’re not sure will sell, but you’d love to write anyway. I decided it was now or never. Who knew when I might encounter another deadly watering can? So that’s the project I’m working on now. 

Wedding Bells!

The most joyous event in recent years happened just two months ago. My middle daughter, Laurie, was married outdoors at a ranch in Tucson, and she was just the most beautiful bride. All four of my grandkids had parts in the wedding. I try to respect my kids’ privacy, but I’m going to post just one photo of the girls and me. Our whole family welcomed her husband, Jeff, with open arms. Isn’t it wonderful how a joyous event like this can totally eclipse the tougher events?

 

I’m Going to Summer Camp! Are You?

Camp NaNoWriMo is a writing challenge that happens in July. It’s different from NaNoWriMo in November because you can work on ANY type of creative project of any length, not just a 50,000-word novel. First drafts or revision, scripts or stories or poems or essays… all are welcome! You track your goals based on word count, hours, or pages, and they welcome word-count goals between 30 and 1,000,000 words.

You join an online cabin with up to 20 other writers. It starts tomorrow, and it’s still not too late to create a cabin or join someone else’s cabin. I like small groups myself. My cabin has only two people in it: my long-time writer friend and accountability partner and me. If you’re interested in joining a cabin of your own, check it out: https://campnanowrimo.org

I’m glad to be back in contact with you all. And thank you for notes I’ve received this month after I resurfaced. Writers make the best community!

The Necessity of Solitude: Refilling the Well

Published on by Kristi Holl

solitudeWomen are givers. Women writers are some of the most giving people I know.

We tend to have stronger relationships because of it–with babies, grown children, grandchildren, friends, and extended family.

But unless you learn how to balance all this giving with replenishment found in solitude, you’ll find it nearly impossible to write. Every time in the 35 years of my career that I reached burnout, it was for this very reason.

Gift from the Sea

Each of those seasons of life contained particularly busy family times, with little sleep and even less time to write. I wouldn’t go back and change any of it either–very rewarding times. But there comes a time when you realize you’re close to being drained. This past year I hit two such periods, once after an illness, another one after breaking my wrist in four places and being in casts for eleven weeks.  Pay attention to those times, or you’ll pay for it later (in your health, in your lack of writing, and in lack of patience with those around you).

This morning I was reading a bit in one of my favorite little books, Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s book, Gift from the Sea. I re-read it at least once a year. Here are a few snippets that might speak to you giving women:

  • What a circus act we women perform every day of our lives. It leads . . . to fragmentation. It does not bring grace; it destroys the soul.
  • Eternally, woman spills herself away in driblets to the thirsty, seldom being allowed the time, the quiet, the peace, to let the pitcher fill up to the brim.
  • Only when one is connected to one’s own core is one connected to others, I am beginning to discover. And, for me, the core, the inner spring, can best be refound through solitude.
  • One must lose one’s life to find it. Woman can best refind herself by losing herself in some kind of creative activity of her own.

Finding Solitude

If you find yourself feeling fragmented and agitated today, find a way to steal away from everyone for even ten minutes of total solitude (and if possible, silence). Breathe deeply. Bring the energy spilled on everyone else back inside for a few minutes. Re-focus. Relax.

If you have a couple hours, get a copy of Gift from the Sea and read straight through it. You’ll love it!

A Parent’s (or Grandparent’s) Writing Schedule

Published on by Kristi Holl

With summer vacation upon us, it seemed like a good time to revisit the subject of writing when you are involved with children or grandchildren.

When my children were small–and even as they grew older–I struggled to find a writing schedule that worked most days of the week. After much trial and error, I would hit upon a schedule that allowed me to write nearly two hours per day.

Bliss–but boy, was it temporary!

Not For Long

That “bliss” lasted a very short time usually–until I once again had morning sickness, or someone was teething, or my husband switched to working nights, or someone started school, or someone else went out for three extra-curricular activities and we lived in the car after school and weekends.

It was many years before I realized there is no one right way to schedule your writing. The “right way” (by my own definition) is simply the schedule that allows me to get some writing done on a regular basis.

[For the five types of parent-writing schedules, read the rest of the article. This is an excerpt from More Writer’s First Aid.]  

A No-Guilt Writing Life

Published on by Kristi Holl

Does taking time to write make you feel guilty? In her book Writing as a Way of Healing, Louise DeSalvo said, “Many people…have told me that taking time to write seems so, well, self-indulgent, self-involved, frivolous even.”

Does that describe you? Do you fight your own guilty feelings that say you should be doing something more productive? Does writing–especially if you haven’t sold much or aren’t making piles of money from it–feel selfish to you? Do the real (or imagined) opinions of others keep you from spending time writing or making it more of a priority?

The Stages of Guilt

When our children are small, we fight the guilt that comes with motherhood. Are we taking too much time away from the kids? is it really good that they’ve learned to entertain themselves so well? Is it really the responsible thing that my kids are the only ones on the block who know how to run the washing machine and cook meals? Will the children remember Mom as someone without a face, only a hunched back and tapping fingers?

I used to wonder all those things when my kids were small. But we needed the money from the book contracts I was receiving, and at least I was home. (Only technically, it felt sometimes.) You may know the feeling. When you’re writing, you feel like you should be doing crafts or baking with the kids. When you’re making the umpteenth finger painting, you long to be writing.

This Too Shall Pass…or Will It?

Once my children were grown and on their own, I thought the guilt would stop. But I really identified with Carol Rottman in Writers in the Spirit when she said:

“Now all I have to do is quell my guilt over the things I displace because of my indulgence in writing. There are so many worthy causes that regularly tempt me to leave the desk. A sister describes me as ‘driven’ when I am so serious about my work, and friends wonder why I don’t join them for lunch. My children and young grandchildren, all within a twenty-mile radius, can use as much time as I can give.”

The Cure for Guilt

As in so many cases, the cure for guilt seems to be in finding the right balance. Balance between time for writing and time for family/job/home/church/community. Have you found the balance that works for you and your family? It will look different if your children are babies than if they’re teens or adults.

But how do you find that balance and banish the guilt? Take some time on your own and prayerfully answer the following questions:

  1. What/who pushes your guilt buttons when you’re trying to write?
  2. How do you choose whether to keep writing or not?
  3. What questions do you ask yourself in order to find the right balance and keep your priorities straight?
  4. What are you willing to give up of your own in order to make time to write?

Once you’ve decided, make a schedule for your writing, inform friends and family, and then make a firm commitment to banish the guilt. Trust me on this. Even if you now prioritize your days according to guilt (like I did for decades), you can do this. And in a surprisingly short amount of time, when you see the world goes on functioning while you’re writing, the guilt will fade away.

Writing Through Interruptions

Published on by Kristi Holl

I began writing when I had a newborn (ten days old), a todder (two) and a preschooler. If I couldn’t write through interruptions, I couldn’t write at all most days.

People protest all the time that they can’t write with continual interruptions, and I never had much of a response beyond “just do it!” I knew it was possible if they’d really try it. Then recently I heard about someone who’d led a workshop dealing with this very thing–and she taught the participants a valuable lesson.

Start! Stop! Start Again!

The speaker was ostensibly talking about “carving out time to write.” She suddenly stopped and said, “You may choose to write on your current project or a new one, but decide on something, even if it is just an account of your day. Pick up your pencil and paper and write when I say go.”

She timed the group of writers for three minutes and said, “Put your pencils down” and continued her talk for several minutes. She then repeated the interruption and her instructions. They wrote for three more minutes. The speaker interrupted her talk four different times during the hour and had them write.

At the end of her workshop the participants compared notes. They had all written at least one page, many had more, despite being interrupted four times in only twelve minutes of actual writing! Each time they’d been able go back and pick up a thought and continue. The speaker ended with, “You can revise bad writing, but you cannot revise a blank page. Give yourself permission to write junk, then fix it.”

Change Your Mind

I know this sounds awfully simple, but I encourage you to change your mind about being able to write despite interruptions. So few of us live on a deserted island. Most writers–probably 90% or more–have to deal with distractions and interruptions.

If you need to prove to yourself that you can get back to your writing after an interruption, try that workshop experiment. Either try it alone or with your writing group. See what happens.

It just may turn out that you’ve been believing a lie all this time. Writing may not be as enjoyable when you’re interrupted, but it can be done.

Writing During Summer Travels

Published on by Kristi Holl

Summer is just around the corner. And for many writers, that means traveling to see family and taking vacations while trying to meet deadlines.

Consistent writing may be a necessity during the summer. Can writing and traveling co-exist? Yes, quite happily, but only if you think and plan ahead.

Paved with Good Intentions

We may have the best intentions of writing on trips, but usually we return home with little or nothing accomplished. Since most writers don’t have the luxury of paid vacations—and deadlines approach regardless of summer holiday travel—we need practical ways to squeeze in writing while we journey to see family and friends. It can be done, and without offending anyone or missing out on the festivities. If you plan to hit the road or airways this summer, give these ideas a try.

First, you have to find the time to write. When you first peruse your travel schedule, you may feel convinced that there simply won’t be any time available for your writing. You may have activities planned (or planned for you) that don’t seem to show any gaps of free time. If so, look again.

What about when you check into your motel? Avoid turning on the TV for “company” or to check the local news and weather. Instead, unpack your writing supplies, clean the fly­ers and TV program listings off the desk, and set up an instant office. If you’re staying at someone’s house, make up your mind to write while others watch TV or snooze after a big family dinner.

You can easily find time to write on planes. Just skip watching the movie, ignore the head phones, and leave the in-flight magazines unread. Instead, write longhand or on a laptop on your drop-down table. You can also find time to write on buses and in taxis during long shuttle trips to and from airports. Time spent waiting in airports provides other opportunities to work, whether “people-watching” and jotting notes for your character files or writing longhand while perched on your pile of luggage.

Second, you need places to write. Workplaces for the traveling writer are even easier to find. Depending on the location of your trip, you may find yourself writing on a bench in the mall or at a backyard picnic table at a relative’s home. If your group is staying in a motel, you can write at a table by the pool or sneak down to the lobby and find a comfortable chair behind a potted plant for half an hour. You can write in public libraries. While others in your party shop at the mall, you can write in bookstores that provide chairs and tables. If you’ve planned a day at the beach, try writing while you tan instead of reading or listening to music.

Other places to write on the road include diners, lunch counters, delis, and coffee shops. And don’t forget your bed! Pile up pillows behind your back and grab your notebook or laptop. You can write first thing in the morning if you’re a guest in someone’s home—just let them think you’re sleeping late. Or write in bed before you go to sleep. At first it might not seem like much, but a half hour or full hour of writing can produce more work than we think.

Writing When Traveling: Think Ahead

If your holiday schedule will include traveling, yet you need or want to keep writing while on the road, do some pre-planning before leaving home. Adjust your mind-set ahead of time as well.

Be alert to unexpected changes in your travel plans and grab some impromptu writing sessions. Keep your writing tools handy in order to take advantage of these opportunities to write during your day. Be deter­mined to write in whatever chunks of time you find. If you want to travel, but you also need to work, this is one way to have your cake and eat it too!

Writing Through Relationship Struggles

Published on by Kristi Holl

Do these scenarios sound at all familiar? (They all happened to writers I know.)

  • You’re writing your first picture book, but your husband is jealous of your time at the typewriter and won’t speak to you at supper. (I know this sounds childish, but it happens fairly often.)
  • Or your wife reads your book and asks you what makes you think you’re a writer. (These struggles are not gender-specific.)
  • Or you’re struggling to write, but your recent marital separation has left you too depressed and exhausted to concentrate.
  • Or your wife gained fifty pounds to protest how much time you spend writing. (Yes, this actually happened to a writer friend.)

How to Keep Writing

Many talented writers lose confidence and lay aside their writing dreams because of marital problems. THIS ISN’T NECESSARY. However, it does require you to fall back and regroup when you have an unsupportive spouse, whether this person is just mildly irritated with you or has filed for divorce.

*First, develop faith in yourself. Rather than looking for outside support, look inside. The decision to write is made–and carried out–alone. Then write daily, even if just a journal entry. Nothing–no matter how long you write or how much you are published–builds faith faster that you’re a real writer than the physical act of writing every day.

*Create an outside support system. For me, this starts with God and prayer. Also join or form a writers’ group that can offer you encouragement. Attend writers’ conferences to hear inspirational speakers. Clip or photocopy encouraging articles from The Writer and Writer’s Digest to re-read when needed. I have a six-inch thick file of such articles.

*Change your writing time. When I worked at the dental office during my separation, I wrote for an hour before work and during my lunch hour, a totally different writing schedule for me, but the break in routine was effective.

*Change your surroundings. Our surroundings hold memories. And when they’re bad memories, they stifle our creativity. So change your place of writing. Work in the library or another room in the house.

*Just write. Writing won’t necessarily banish depression, but depression doesn’t have to banish the writing either. Don’t wait until you feel happy to write.  Just keep writing. Don’t edit at this point–nothing sounds good when you’re depressed. Write instead. Journal. Write out your prayers if praying is difficult at this time. (A helpful resource is Writing for Emotional Balance: A Guided Journal to Help You Manage Overwhelming Emotions by Beth Jacobs.)

Relationship struggles happen to most people eventually. It doesn’t have to mean the end of your writing. Take specific steps to keep putting one writing foot in front of the other. You want to have a career left when the dust settles–and you can.

Mixing Writing & Adult Children

Published on by Kristi Holl

Keeping with our Mother’s Day theme of combining writing with raising children (Hats Off to Mom Writers, Combine Babies and Bylines,Combining Writing and School-Age Kids, Writing During the Teen Years), let’s talk about writing when you have college kids and grown children (plus grandchildren). Again, your writing skills need flexibility!

(with granddaughter, Abby, at a book sale)

Déjà Vu

Just when your days (or evenings and weekends) are blissfully free to write, your college-age children are home for the summer. They turn your precise schedule upside down. They also provide such a temptation to sit and chat and go shopping, etc. Or maybe your adult child moves back home, perhaps with small children. Here are some ways to deal with those situations:

*Don’t abandon your schedule! These people aren’t company or house guests. For the time being, they are simply living with you. Your life doesn’t need to revolve around them. Keep to your schedule.

*Deal with possible interruptions ahead of time. Say something like this to them: “I start work early, but help yourselves to the eggs and juice in the fridge.” Don’t wait on them hand and foot. Resist the urge to clean up their messes in the kitchen and living room until your writing time is finished.

*If your writing room is needed for sleeping space, turn a corner of your bedroom into a temporary study. Have a place where you can close the door and write. During this parenting time, you might write a story for a children’s magazine called “Moving to Grandma’s House.” Or perhaps you’ll share your insight with other grandparents in an article called “Mothering Your Grandchildren.”

*Resist the urge to take over the parenting if you’re not providing childcare. I find it much harder to say “Nana has to work” than I did “Mommy needs to work.” If my kids (with the grandkids) ever lived with me even temporarily, it would be hard for me to keep remembering that I’m not the grandkids’ mother, nor their entertainment committee. My daughters wouldn’t expect it–it’s just something Nanas seem to do!

As with all the other phases of parenting, you can continue to write as children leave home, come back for visits, move back in, and/or bring grandchildren. I started writing when my children were 5, 2 and 10 days old. I now write and mix in the four grandchildren who live close by: 12, 9, 4 and 1. My family will always come first, but there’s room for writing too! You just need to learn the tricks of the trade for each stage.