Who Should You Trust?

Published on February 4, 2023 by Kristi Holl

If you have experienced betrayal as an adult, or abuse as a child, trust is a big, scary deal. You are a rare person if, in today’s world, you don’t have trust issues.

Who can you trust?
Who shouldn’t you trust?
What are the signs?
If someone is sorry for betrayal, does that make them trustworthy?
Can broken trust be fixed?

Help is On the Way

I very, very rarely write a book recommendation after only reading an Introduction and the first chapter, but Dr. Henry Cloud’s newest book (to be released the end of March) is one such book.

It’s called TRUST: Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken.

Few authors’ books have been as life-changing for me as Henry Cloud’s books, starting in the early 90s with the Boundaries books, and now his podcasts and classes on Boundaries.me. He writes on topics close to my heart (and millions of other people’s). If you pre-order Trust, you will receive two great bonuses: the introduction and first chapter of the new book, plus an excellent PDF download to help you apply the first chapter right away.

Repairing Broken Trust

If you’ve ever been deeply hurt in a relationship, you may simply have a life-long issue with trusting even trustworthy people. If so, the first chapter and study workbook alone will help considerably! (Working through the exercises in the downloaded workbook has already helped me with a troublesome issue!)

Do you want to build solid, healthy relationships because you can assess people effectively before you trust them? Do you want to know why and how trust is broken? Can you learn to repair valuable relationships that fall prey to misunderstanding or miscommunication? Do you want every aspect of your life and relationships to work? Then order Henry Cloud’s new book ASAP.

[And if you’re a writer who has boundary problems with the people in your life, grab a free copy now of my e-book, Boundaries for Writers.]

Focus Shift: Photoshop Your Moods!

Published on January 19, 2021 by Kristi Holl

In addition to a Covid family death, I lost two friends in December, plus my last (and favorite) uncle. The focus was on grieving, plus a severe autoimmune flare-up it caused.

With Christmas around the corner, I found it difficult to feel the joy of the season. And writing? That felt out of the question, so my work-in-progress languished. Everywhere I turned were reminders of loss and the pain of suffering loved ones left behind. It seemed there was little I could do but pray and endure and pretend to be happy, so that I didn’t dampen anyone else’s holidays.

But there was more I could do, which I learned inadvertently from my teenage granddaughter, Abby. She’s taking dozens of my W.I.P. England photos, resizing and refocusing them for use in blogs, plus Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest posts. I watched her change photos from bright and cheery to somber and shadowy, in keeping with my mystery series.

Photoshop Your Days

Abby was taking reality (the amateur photos I took), and either brightening or darkening the mood by what she chose to emphasize. So, I tried it myself, experimenting with a Yorkshire Dales graveyard photo (shown first below.) Using cropping and blurring and tints and hues, I brightened the mood (the second photo) and then used the same techniques in reverse to darken the mood (the third photo.)

Here is a shift away from the darker elements to a brighter spot in the photo. Definitely a cheerier mood.

Here is a shift in focus again, but this time ignoring the brighter spots, but focusing on the somber, darker elements.

A light dawned. Could I finagle with my own downcast soul in the same way I adjusted the photos? Could I take the circumstances of loss and sickness—the true snapshot of my current life—and adjust my mood by choosing what to focus on? What could I crop out that wasn’t helpful to focus on? Could I brighten the tone? What heightened contrast would give a truer perspective?

Focus on Eternal Truths

Yes, the truth was that those were sad days. But what else was true? These loved ones were out of pain now. I trusted that I’d see them again one day. True, I felt unwell, but thanks to Covid isolation, I was already expert at ordering food via Instacart. So two Christmas dinners arrived with all the prep work done. And since I love Christmas music and movies, I filled the empty spaces with more intentional joy. It was Philippians 4:8 in action.

But in addition to changing the focus to things that were true and uplifting and kind, I had to crop out a few things from the current picture. First was to stop thinking about negative events in the world and in the extended family that, beyond fervently praying, I couldn’t change. I reviewed my old copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie to remind myself what problems I was responsible for, and which problems in the extended family I clearly was not responsible for fixing. And stepping back to view the whole situation made it look much less disheartening.

Making these seemingly small changes reminded me of another book on my shelves, The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time by Alex Korb, PhD. According to science, these small “photo app” changes shift brain chemistry from depression to hopeful joy. I even read some of my own blog posts, like From Panic to Focus: Save Your Writing Project and Find Your Focus: Stick to the ONE Thing.

So, if your 2021 New Year looks less joyous than in previous years (for any reason), don’t despair. Do some creative cropping, change your focus, and brighten the picture. Watch how you are transformed by the renewing of your mind!

[Originally published January 3, 2021, on the American Christian Fiction Writers blog]

Wounds from the Game of Writing: Earning Battle Scars

Published on October 30, 2018May 14, 2020 by Kristi Holl

Wounds: we all get them.

During the 1988 Jamboree encampment of 32,000 Boy Scouts, one troop (38 Scouts) led the entire Jamboree in cuts treated at the medical tent.

The huge number of nicks from busy knives sounded negative until someone toured the camp and saw the unique artistic walking sticks each boy in that troop had made. They led the entire encampment in other kinds of games, too.

Wounds simply mean that you’re in the game. It’s true for Boy Scouts—and it’s true for writers as well.

What Wounds?

I know an excellent writer who has revised a book for years. But she won’t submit it, even though everyone who has read it feels the book is ready. What benefit does she get from that? She never has to face rejection. She never has to hear an editor say, “This is good, but it needs work.” She never has to read a bad review of her book, or do any speaking engagements to promote her work, or learn how to put together a website.

She will also never feel the exhilaration of holding her published book in her hands. She won’t get letters from readers who tell her how much her book means to them and has helped them. She won’t get a starred review or win an award or do a book signing. She won’t move on and write a second (and third and fourth) book.

Paying the Price

If you want to be a writer, you have to risk a few wounds. Figure out ways to bandage them and recover from them, but don’t be afraid of getting them. They’re simply a sign that you’re a writer.

Make a list of the parts of the writing life that make you want to stay on the sidelines and out of the line of fire. It might be a fear of rejection, a fear of approaching editors or agents at a conference, fear of online harassment on social media, fear of walking into a writing group for the first time, fear of your mother’s reaction to your novel, fear of bad reviews, or something else. There are books out there for writers dealing with all of these things. Identify your issues, deal with them, and then get in the game!

And later, wear your battle scars proudly!

Overloaded Lives

Published on May 28, 2013May 14, 2020 by Kristi Holl

Do you have any margins left in your life?

Or is your life marginless?

For a long time, I’ve known that something was wrong. People everywhere, of all ages and walks of life, are frazzled. People are anxious and depressed.

And why is that especially important to writers? Because tired, frazzled, anxious, depressed writers don’t write. Or when they do write, they can’t write well.

I have been re-reading some favorite books lately. One such book is Margin, by Richard A. Swenson, M.D. In this book he talks about the fact that most of us live marginless lives now.

What’s “margin”? Margin is the space that once existed between ourselves and our limits. Margin is having something held in reserve for unexpected situations.

Bring It On!

Instead, most of us live overloaded lives. The cost of overload is seen in health problems, financial debt, family and friendships going by the wayside, and having very little or no time for solitude and renewal.

Because of exponential progress in technology and other areas, things in our culture are changing faster and faster. We have more and more choices. Along with all the progress comes increasing stress, change, complexity, speed, intensity, and overload.

However, despite all this speed and change, human beings have relatively fixed limits. We have physical limits, mental limits, emotional limits, and financial limits. Once the threshold of these limits is exceeded, overload displaces margin.

Why Now?

The book details how many conditions we have at play today that are different than at any other time in history. We have run out of room to breathe. We have run out of time to sit and think. And I think this overload – this living beyond our limits – makes writing extremely difficult.

Can anything be done about this? You can’t stop progress, can you? Maybe not, and maybe we don’t want to, but can we regain our emotional health and physical health and relational health? Is it possible to redirect our over-extended lives? Yes, it is, according to this author.

How About You?

As we move into summer, give this “margin” idea some thought. We’ll be exploring some ways to regain margin so that you have more emotional energy, more physical energy, and more time–when you can write, if you choose to.

I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s just what the doctor ordered.

What is one way YOU try to avoid (or deal with) overload?

Calming the Writer's Soul

Published on September 14, 2011May 14, 2020 by Kristi Holl

I sat down to write four times this morning, but my mind simply wouldn’t stop jumping the tracks.

One second I’d be thinking, “This backstory paragraph slows down the opening and should be moved.” The next minute, with a catch in my throat, I was thinking about Laurie again.

Get a Grip!

My daughter is on her fourth deployment (Afghanistan this time). Being her fourth tour, you’d think I’d have a better system for mind control, but not today, for some reason.

I pray a lot, email her, try to write, and it lasts for just a few minutes. So, like all writers who can’t focus, I check email. I love Thomas Kinkade paintings, and someone had emailed me the above picture. I just sat and stared at it for a moment, feeling the peace steal over me.

Peace Like a River

While I don’t often have time to steal away and sit by a stream–something always so calming–I plan to “sit” by my Thomas Kinkade stream several times today. I made it the photo on my desktop, so all I have to do is minimize what I’m working on, and there it is!

Without leaving my computer, I can walk along that little footpath, sit on a rock by the stream, and watch the water flow by. What a great use of technology and our imaginations. When my worries have floated away, I can go back to work.

Writing is a mental activity, so emotional issues interrupt that activity. During stressful times, find things that work to calm you…and then pick up your pen again. [NOTE: if you have a simple idea like this one that works for you, please share it!]

Writing to Heal

Published on May 30, 2011May 14, 2020 by Kristi Holl

How essential is writing to your basic well-being? Does not writing distress you?

I’ve been thinking about these questions this week as I’ve journaled and worked through the book Writing For Emotional Balance: A Guided Journal To Help You Manage Overwhelming Emotions. I shouldn’t be surprised anymore, but I was astounded at the relief (and practical help) I found simply through journaling.

I use the Life Journal software, password protected, and I found it so helpful, coupled with the exercises in the book. Writing means a lot to me for many reasons: a way to heal, a way to make a living, a way to connect with readers, and a lot of fun.

So I have this question for you:

What does writing mean to you?

To kickstart your thinking, here are some famous writers’ opinions. Ray Bradbury is quoted as saying: “Writing is survival… Not to write, for many of us, is to die. I have learned, on my journeys, that if I let a day go by without writing, I grow uneasy. Two days and I am in tremor. Three and I suspect lunacy. Four and I might as well be a hog, suffering the flux in a wallow. An hour’s writing is tonic. I’m on my feet, running in circles, and yelling for a clean pair of spats.”