Boundaries

Who Should You Trust?

Published on by Kristi Holl

If you have experienced betrayal as an adult, or abuse as a child, trust is a big, scary deal. You are a rare person if, in today’s world, you don’t have trust issues.

  • Who can you trust?
  • Who shouldn’t you trust?
  • What are the signs?
  • If someone is sorry for betrayal, does that make them trustworthy?
  • Can broken trust be fixed?

Help is On the Way

I very, very rarely write a book recommendation after only reading an Introduction and the first chapter, but Dr. Henry Cloud’s newest book (to be released the end of March) is one such book.

It’s called TRUST: Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken.

Few authors’ books have been as life-changing for me as Henry Cloud’s books, starting in the early 90s with the Boundaries books, and now his podcasts and classes on Boundaries.me. He writes on topics close to my heart (and millions of other people’s). If you pre-order Trust, you will receive two great bonuses: the introduction and first chapter of the new book, plus an excellent PDF download to help you apply the first chapter right away.

Repairing Broken Trust

If you’ve ever been deeply hurt in a relationship, you may simply have a life-long issue with trusting even trustworthy people. If so, the first chapter and study workbook alone will help considerably! (Working through the exercises in the downloaded workbook has already helped me with a troublesome issue!)  

Do you want to build solid, healthy relationships because you can assess people effectively before you trust them? Do you want to know why and how trust is broken? Can you learn to repair valuable relationships that fall prey to misunderstanding or miscommunication? Do you want every aspect of your life and relationships to work? Then order Henry Cloud’s new book ASAP.

[And if you’re a writer who has boundary problems with the people in your life, grab a free copy now of my e-book, Boundaries for Writers.]

Head Space: Conserve Your Writing Energy

Published on by Kristi Holl

Published three years ago today…and I still need it today! Enjoy the reminder.~~~

Writers require “head space” in which nothing else is happening. You must have some mental space that is yours and yours alone in order to create and write.

“It takes quite a bit of energy on your part–a real effort–to maintain that space,” says Heather Sellers in Chapter after Chapter: Discover the dedication & focus you need to write the book of your dreams. “You have to put a wall around a part of yourself and protect it from the world of Needs and Stuff and Functions.”

Where’s the Energy Go?

If you still suffer from the common Being Everything to Everybody Syndrome, you very likely have little head space to call your own. Writers can’t do that all day, every day, and still have enough energy left for writing. Your head space is too full of other people.

One big energy drain comes from greasing the wheels of social interactions. Many of us have this habit, and it is a hard one to break. Some of us “grease the wheels” all day–at home or at work, with our family or friends, even with total strangers.

How do we do this? We see unhappy or uncomfortable people, and we rush in to fix their feelings and smooth their ruffled feathers and raise their self-esteem. We see troubled people and offer all the self-help therapy we can think of, then take them out for lunch. At social gatherings where no one is making any effort to converse, we turn somersaults trying to make people open up and connect.

Head Space: the Solution

We mean well. We can’t stand the discomfort of other people, and we rush in to fix it. Or we hate to have someone mad at us, so we rush in to fix it–even when the other person brought on the problem or bad mood him/herself.

Let’s face it. Most of our unasked-for advice isn’t appreciated. Sometimes it’s resented. And I don’t know about your track record, but 90% of the advice I so helpfully “offer” to others is never followed. It frustrates me, but it’s my own fault since they didn’t ask for my input in the first place.

It’s also a colossal waste of time and energy. And that’s what we’re trying to conserve here: YOUR energy. All this fixing takes place in the psychic head space we need for our writing.

Break Free!

Being able to focus on your writing means learning first to take your eyes off everyone else–and letting other perfectly capable adults figure out their own lives. Only then will you have the quiet space inside your head in which to mull over your writing and let it take shape.

Experiment with this idea over the course of the next several weeks. Each time you are listening to someone’s problems, just be a caring listener and bite your tongue unless you are specifically asked for advice. In a dead-end conversation, be polite and pleasant and say a few things, but don’t invest all your energy in this nonverbal bump on a log. (And if you don’t think you have the right to do this–or the ability–see “Boundaries for Writers.”)

One more warning from Heather Sellers : “We spend so much of our time Being Everything to Everyone, why on earth are we surprised when we have nothing left but the swamp of procrastination to stew in?” You’re probably not procrastinating–she says–you’re exhausted. “Save part of yourself. You must hold yourself back. For the book. Practice giving a little less of yourself to Everyone and Everything (yes, you can!).”

The Best YES

Published on by Kristi Holl

One of my friends is a writing coach. She spots things in my writing life when I can’t see “the writing forest for the trees.”

She recently asked how the writing was going with my new contracted mysteries, the ones with firm deadlines that are longer than anything I’ve ever written before.

How many chapters had I written?

Truth Telling

I was embarrassed to tell her how little writing I’d accomplished in August so far. It wasn’t my fault that my writing timetable got derailed. Yes, I had scheduled quite a few babysitting days for various events. But that isn’t what did it. They were planned for weeks ago and fully enjoyed.

“It’s other people’s emergencies that got me,” I confessed.

Tell Me More

“What emergencies?” she asked.

I gave her the last week’s list. It included things like cars over-heating when someone needed to get to work. I was glad to help out, taking people to work one day and loaning my car another day. (And doing my errands during rush hour instead, a time I usually avoided.) I watched a neighbor’s kids when she didn’t want to take them with her to the dog grooming place. I filled in for someone when I should probably have been home with my sore throat. 

I didn’t feel resentful. No one’s “stuff” happened just to derail my writing or make me work late four nights in a row. I just felt tired by the time I got to my writing. Too tired to get much of it done, which made me sad. (And fearful that I might let this opportunity slip through my fingers.)

Some Hard Truths

“Yes,” my writer friend said, “emergencies DO happen. But everything you described to me is more of an inconvenience than an emergency. It’s stuff that happens to everyone: a sick child, a car needing repair, packing for a vacation, or a dog needing to go to the vet. They aren’t emergencies.”

I pondered that. Each phone call had sure sounded like an emergency.

“These people wanted you to drop everything and make their lives EASIER. They didn’t want to deal with the normal problems that everyone runs into who have children, cars, and pets. You stepped in so they didn’t have to cope. If you didn’t have some big deadlines, it might not matter. But if you don’t let others deal with their own normal problems, you’ll just fall further behind.” And maybe lose those contracts, I added silently. 

Paradigm Shift

Hmmm… It’s true that I often call other people’s problems “emergencies” that really aren’t. And it’s true that even if I still choose to help, often it could be done later, after I finish work. Just because someone wants it done now doesn’t mean it always NEEDS to be done now. Or, horror of horrors, when asked for help, I could have said, “No, I’m sorry, but I can’t today.” Period.

Writing and making deadlines is a good thing. Helping someone truly in need is also a good thing. But choosing between them can be hard.

A Christian author who deals with the tough issue of choosing between one good thing and another good thing is Lysa TerKeurst in The Best Yes: Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demands. If we use up our time and energy by saying “yes” to many unnecessary things, we won’t have any time or energy to say YES to the best things. As Lysa says, we don’t become Wonder Woman; we become worn-out woman.

If you find yourself also in the position of wanting to devote more time to writing opportunities—but so many people are wanting your time—you might enjoy this book too. I expect I’ll be blogging about it in the future.

Time for Change

In the meantime, today when you are asked to postpone your writing in order to assist someone else, stop first. Think about it.

  • Does it really require your help?
  • Does it have to be right now?
  • If the person has to wait for your help, do they take care of it themselves? [This happens a lot!]
  • Is this just a normal problem any person would have in that situation or season of life? In that case, you might be doing them more of a favor if you let them struggle and grow and mature in their role.

And while they do that, you can struggle and grow and mature in your writing. A win-win solution!

Sometimes we worry so much about being selfish that we go overboard the other way. It’s not wrong to say “no” or “not now.” And if you do it often enough, you might actually get some writing done!

Writing Boundaries: Thinking Like a Nine-to-Fiver

Published on by Kristi Holl

Time pressure and interruptions–they’re always with us. Right? To a certain extent, yes.

I have several appointments coming up that will take three hours out of several different days and a couple of favors I didn’t have the nerve to say “no” to. I was bemoaning the chunk of work time that would be deducted from my work week.

How would I get my writing done?

Aha! Moment

Then I realized that my husband hasn’t missed an hour of work in more than a year, yet he keeps his doctors’ appointments and other special commitments. He does what I need to do myself–he makes up for lost time. He works afternoons and evenings. If he has  to make appointments during work time, he switches shifts,  or he goes to his appointment and works extra hours afterward. The alterations are rare though; work is a given.

He doesn’t moan and groan about time pressure, he doesn’t miss any work, and he takes care of important appointments.

Keeping Office Hours

I’m guessing that I need to follow his example in that area. If I’m going to say “yes” to a favor or a long phone call with a friend, I need to “clock out” of the office for that time, and then make it up in the evening. Or, better yet, I need to get up earlier that day and log in the extra writing time before my appointments. Too often, I go to the appointment or run the errand or babysit grandkids…and let the writing go for that day.

You can do that once in a while, of course. But this had become my habit, and my lack of productivity showed.

If I diligently make up the writing every time I quit work short of my goal for some reason, I bet I will get better at saying “no” to some requests. In fact, I can almost guarantee it as I don’t like writing at night.

I like to say “yes” to favors when I can. But I imagine I would be more productive if I thought like a nine-to-fiver and said, “I can’t do that for you this morning, but I could do it at four o’clock.” Sometimes the person wanting the favor can rearrange his schedule.

Whatever your writing goal for the day–whether it’s fifteen minutes of scheduled writing or four hours–try making it non-negotiable. Think like an office worker with a boss looking over your shoulder.

Home Office Hours

Yes, it’s easier if you work at an office with a boss. None of your friends or family members expect things from you during the day when you work outside the home. So your only option when working from home is learning to say “no.” I’ve been working in my home office (mostly full-time) for thirty years. Many people still half-assume that since I’m at home, I’m not really working.

So, as usual, it comes down to this. I need to take my writing schedule seriously before anyone else will. It’s not about convincing the people in my life that I’m serious about my writing. It’s about convincing me.

You will need to do that too.

Once we do, I suspect our schedules will fall into place. The boundaries I need to set are most often on myself. And now, off to re-read my own e-book, Boundaries for Writers. I need periodic reminding on how to do this!

Your Writing: Who's in Charge? (Part 3)

Published on by Kristi Holl

(First read Mental Boundaries: Who’s in Charge Part 1 and Emotional Boundaries: Who’s in Charge? Part 2.)

By now, you’ve changed your thoughts and your attitudes. However, in the final analysis, taking charge of your writing life comes down to taking action.

Are you actually writing? Have you developed the Seven Habits of a Highly Effective Writer? 

3. Actions

Taking action involves substitution. You are replacing unhelpful actions damaging to your writing with productive actions. As Making Good Habits, Breaking Bad Habits says, it’s much easier to break bad habits if you simply replace them with good habits or good goals.

Doing the action of the good habit should be your focus, not “breaking” the bad habit. Good actions will crowd out the bad ones. You won’t have time for both!

Do you have the committed attitude talked about in Part 2 of the series? That committed attitude will make choosing your actions easier.

Commitment and Choice-Making

When you’re willing to do whatever it takes to revamp your personal life so you can write, the choices become clear. You will do things like:

  • choosing to write before doing the dishes, even though it bugs you to leave dirty dishes in the sink.
  • choosing to write for an hour instead of watch TV or talk on the phone.
  • choosing to have that lower carb/higher protein lunch so your writing energy is high all afternoon.
  • choosing to retire at a decent hour so you’re alert to create the next morning.
  • choosing to make quality time with your family so you can write without feeling guilty–and without being neglectful.
  • choosing to set goals, write them down, and even make a poster for your wall so you’re staring at them daily.
  • choosing to settle family quarrels and resolve conflicts partly because NOT doing so saps all your writing energy.

You will make choices in all areas of your life that will support your writing instead of making it more difficult. [If making these choices is difficult, you might find help in my Boundaries for Writers e-book.]

Each time you come to a fork in the road, make a choice to be in control of your writing. Each choice might look small, but these decisions add up to your life. Do find that freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself–and thus, your writing.

“If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self.” —Napoleon Hill

As I mentioned before, I’ve been working hard myself to improve habits in all areas of my life, including the writing. In the last year, I’ve found these books especially helpful.

 

Emotional Boundaries: Who's in Charge? (Part 2)

Published on by Kristi Holl

(First read Mental Boundaries: Who’s in Charge?–Part 1)

 Are you tired of feeling the same defeatist way about your writing?

Are you ready for something new?

 2. Attitudes

Changing your thoughts will change your mental attitudes and emotional feelings about writing. Even so, there will be times throughout the day when you will be faced with negative feelings flooding you.

Do you let the disgruntled feelings in–maybe even entertain them? Or do you choose to throw them out and lock the door? Do you set appropriate emotional boundaries so you can work? 

Instead of postponing happiness until you get published, choose to be content with your writing today.

  • Choose to enjoy the act of putting words down on paper to capture an image.
  • Choose to enjoy delving into your memories for a kernel of a story idea.
  • Choose to enjoy the process of reading back issues of magazines you want to submit to.
  • Choose to enjoy reading a book on plot or dialogue or characterization for tips you can apply to your stories.
  • Choose to be patient with your learning curve and refuse the pressure to succeed quickly.
  • Choose to be happy about each small, steady step forward.

Look at the larger picture, how each writing day is another small building block laying the foundation of your career. Stay present in the present! Pace yourself with the determined attitude of the tortoise instead of the sprinter attitude of the hare.

Commitment Versus Wishing

You also need to choose an attitude of commitment. Commit to your goals and deadlines, to continued improvement in your writing, and to dealing with negative feelings as they come up.

Commitment is more than “I wish” or “I’d like” or “I hope I can.” Commitment is “I will.” There is a huge difference! (Like the gap between a man saying, “Gee, I’d like to marry you” and “Will you marry me–here’s the ring–let’s set a date!”)

Move from the wishy-washy attitude of “I’d like to be a writer” to the commitment level of “I’ll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to be a successful writer.” [I understand that choosing your own attitudes and emotions can be difficult. If you have trouble taking charge of your emotions, you might find my “Boundaries for Writers” e-book helpful.]

(Part 3 about choices will be “Your Writing: Who’s in Charge?”)

As I mentioned before, I’ve been working hard myself to improve habits in all areas of my life, including the writing. In the last year, I’ve found these books especially helpful.

Mental Boundaries: Who's in Charge? (Part 1)

Published on by Kristi Holl

Your writing life is the sum of all the writing-related choices you make.

Choosing means to make a decision each time you come to a particular crossroads.

Most decisions are not deliberate. Instead we unconsciously follow our habits, choosing what is easiest because it’s what we’ve done for years. We choose negative thoughts about our abilities, we choose negative attitudes about our progress, and we follow with choosing negative actions (like not setting goals and not writing.)

Choice or Habit?

Although many of your choices have become automatic habits, each one is still a choice you make. [IMPORTANT NOTE: See the list at the end of this post for some excellent books on creating helpful habits so that your good choices can become automatic.]

If you want to have a successful writing career (however you define “success” for yourself), you must control the process of choosing. You must begin to notice your choices, moment by moment.

Think about what you’re thinking about! Then start making consistently better daily choices. These changes can be very small, if you make them daily. Take control of your writing life by being in charge of yourself.

Writers make critical decisions in three areas every day–sometimes every hour. Train yourself to be a close observer of your choices. You come to a fork in the road hundreds of times each day, and each time you have a choice to make. [That’s one reason why it’s easier if you establish habits in these areas. The good choices eventually become automatic.]

Beginning today, consciously choose the direction that leads to your writing goals. And that begins with your thoughts.

1: Thoughts

If you want to make changes that last, you must change the way you think. Your mental and emotional framework needs adjusting. Focus on getting your MIND moving in the right direction. The way you think will ultimately dictate your long-term success or failure.

Certain thoughts and beliefs will derail you before you even get started. (“I’m not good enough.” “I don’t have the talent I need.” “It’s who you know in this business, and I don’t know anyone important.” “I don’t have the time/energy/family support to write.”) Take time to recognize which particular issues negatively affect your choice to write.

Writer Myths

Perhaps your thoughts about writing contain a few myths that need exploring–and debunking. Do you think that you’ll be a happy writer if you just manage to get published? You might be–but probably only if you’re happy before you get published. Grumpy, negative, passive writers who achieve publication only become grumpy, negative, passive writers with a publishing credit. Publication itself won’t make you happy.

Do you think there is a magical short-cut to writing success? Are you on the constant lookout for the latest get-published-quick scheme? Do you think, if you just find the “key,” you’ll get published immediately? Although we’re a society of instant gratification promoters, it is still true that excellent writers don’t spring up overnight–they study, practice and grow. S-l-o-w-l-y.

Do you think it’s someone else’s fault that you aren’t published? Do you have a general mental habit of blaming your lack of success on others? While it’s a human tendency to do so, this kind of thinking will keep you stuck–and unpublished. Every career has obstacles to conquer on the way to success, and writing is no different. The obstacles only change from time to time. (Writers fifty years ago did not worry about their hard drives crashing or finding time for online social networking.) But writers of all ages have had barriers to overcome. At one time women writers had to disguise what they were doing–and even use a male pen name in order to get published!

Choosing Mental Boundaries

Mental boundaries determine what thoughts are allowed to set up housekeeping in your brain–and which ones are told to get lost! [If you need assistance in this area, I think you might find my “Boundaries for Writers” e-book helpful.]

Choosing your thoughts begins with noticing when a thought like this passes through your mind: (“When am I going to get published? I’ve been submitting for months and months! I should just quit!”) The second critical part is replacing that thought with one that is both true and positive. (“Getting published takes time for all new writers, and if I’m persistent and consistent in my efforts to improve and market well, I will probably get published eventually!”) At first, it’s reinforcing to say these new thoughts out loud.

(The next two posts will be on making choices in our “attitudes” and “actions.)

Resources

I’ve been working hard myself to improve habits in all areas of my life, including the writing. In the last year, I’ve found these books especially helpful.

Hopefully this blog series will prompt you to look further into this whole matter of habits. Recent research shows how habits actually change your brain. Good habits can conserve your energy and willpower for other things (like writing or enjoying life!)

 

Boundaries and Energy Management

Published on by Kristi Holl

If you don’t manage your energy, it won’t matter how well you manage your time.

That point was brought home to me again this weekend when I was re-reading a great book called The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz..

Most of us realize that we have to balance our energy expenditures with energy renewal. But did you realize you must manage your energy input/outgo in all four areas of your life?

Not “One Recovery Fits All”

We’ve been talking lately about boundaries, and how you are a four-part person who needs boundaries in these areas: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Hopefully, between the blog posts and the e-book Boundaries for Writers, you are in the process of rebuilding protection around each of these areas.

You’ll need those boundaries in order to manage the ebb and flow of your energy in these four (very individual) quadrants.

You expend energy from each quadrant. And you need specific recovery of energy in each of the four quadrants.

Spend It…Recover It

Most of us know that after we work hard, we need to spend time in recovery. For a long time, I wondered why my various recovery systems really didn’t work. Maybe your system sounds like mine:

  • I edit a book on the computer for three hours, then when my neck and back are aching, I take a break and read a “fun” novel for fifteen minutes.
  • I spend hours with a very needy friend going through a crisis, then when I get home I eat a candy bar.
  • I work on figuring income taxes all morning, then take a break and pull weeds in the garden.

Nothing wrong with any of that really. Who can argue with fun reading, a candy bar on occasion, or pulling weeds?

It’s just that there is a mis-match. One kind of energy went out, but a different kind came back in.

Wrong Kind of Break

According to the authors of The Power of Full Engagement, we all expend energy in all four quadrants every day. The problem comes when, over time, we no longer replenish in all four quadrants.

For the examples above, I…

  • I was expending both mental energy (editing) and physical energy (hence the aching neck and back.) I only replenished my mind with some fun reading, but continuing to sit actually aggravated my neck and back further. I also needed some recovery that included physical exercise in the area of flexibility.
  • I spent myself emotionally with my friend, but I tried to replenish the emotional quadrant with food (physical). Because sugar gives a quick (but temporary) “high,” we mistake that for emotional recovery. It’s not.
  • I worked on income taxes (definite mental strain), and my recovery was physical only (pulling weeds.)

None of my breaks were ultimately very helpful because none of my breaks actually replenished the kind of energy I had expended.

Take a Break!

While “take a break!” is excellent advice, it needs to be the right kind of break for it to be ultimately helpful or renewing. It doesn’t work to try to recover physical energy by taking a mental break, or recover mental energy by nurturing my emotions. If my spirit is sagging, it needs its own kind of recovery as well.

To maximize how we use all four kinds of energy, we have to actually USE it too! Do you know how your energy capacity diminishes?

  • With overuse
  • With underuse

Yup! Overuse your body, and your energy diminishes. But if you underuse it—let it grow weak in stamina and strength—your energy also diminishes. Overuse your mental abilities without adequate recovery, and your strength diminishes. But if you underuse your mind—don’t require it to stretch and grow—your mental strength also diminishes. The same holds true for your emotional and spiritual quadrants.

Overstepping Energy Boundaries

“We hold ourselves accountable for the ways that we manage our time, and for that matter our money,” say the authors of The Power of Full Engagement. “We must learn to hold ourselves at least equally accountable for how we manage our energy physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.”

I am fascinated by this way of managing energy. Now that I have my Boundaries for Writers in place, I’m ready to make sure that as much energy is coming back inside those boundary walls as is going outside!

Where do you suspect that you have energy drains that aren’t being refilled?

Boundaries for Writers E-book Available

Published on by Kristi Holl

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you have identified some boundary issues in your life after reading the past five posts (links below), I’d like to encourage you to go further in my 70-page Boundaries for Writers e-book.

The blog series could only touch lightly on a few of the topics listed in the e-book. You can read more about it here and order a copy through my website.

If the subject of boundaries is new to you, start here with the blog series:

If you recognize yourself in these articles–or you recognize a few boundary busters in your life–consider buying my $7 e-book, Boundaries for Writers. Below is a 12-chapter Table of Contents.

 Table of Contents

 Chapter One “Why Writers Need Boundaries: Guarding Your Writer’s Heart” … 3

Chapter Two “Four Essential Types of Personal Boundaries” …8

Chapter Three “How Healthy Are Your Boundaries? A Quiz” … 12

Chapter Four “Rebuilding Boundaries” …21

Chapter Five “Setting Boundaries on Rejection and Other Business Matters” … 29

Chapter Six “A Special Kind of Boundary: Time” … 35

Chapter Seven “People Pleasers and Boundary Busters: A Marriage Made in Heaven”…42

Chapter Eight “Pleasures to Lift the Spirits: Boundaries for Self-Care” … 46

Chapter Nine “Boundaries with Friends and Family” … 51

Chapter Ten “Living with Severe Boundary Busters” … 58

Chapter Eleven “Are Boundaries Scriptural?” … 65

Chapter Twelve “Resources” … 69

 

Degrees of Boundary Busters

Published on by Kristi Holl

Are all boundary invaders created equal?

Absolutely not!

We’ve been talking a lot this month about healthy boundaries, unhealthy boundaries, and boundary recovery. Why is there a need for recovery? Because at some point–or several points–your boundaries were invaded.

Degrees of Boundary Invaders

To be honest, the major boundary busters–often dubbed “abusers”–are the easiest to spot (especially in someone else’s life.)

Harder to detect are those “minor” boundary invaders who look quite normal. Hardest to detect of all are the abusers who masquerade as the “good guys” and “great gals” of this world, but who are wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Different Invaders, Different Solutions

Depending on the type of boundary buster(s) in your life, you will need different solutions. While the basic anatomy of a boundary is the same for each type, the actual line you must draw (and consequences you enforce) will vary considerably.

Types of boundary busters will go from one end of the spectrum to the other. On the “easy” end, you have people who infringe on your time or mental space without intending to and without realizing they do it. With this type of person, a simple boundary works. You might only need to say, “When I am at my writing desk–even if I’m staring out the window thinking–please don’t ask me questions or talk to me unless there is a real emergency. When my train of thought gets interrupted, I have to start over, or I lose it altogether. I’m not trying to be rude–I just need to think without interruption when I’m writing.”

This type of invader doesn’t take offense and is glad to oblige you. They didn’t intend to disrupt your writing. They are what is known as “boundary lovers.”

Assume the best in the beginning. Assume when you set a boundary that you are dealing with a boundary lover who isn’t being invasive on purpose. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Trust me. You will know very soon by their reaction if you have a boundary lover there–or not.

The “Other” Kinds

The world would be a much easier place if everyone you encountered–both at home and in public–were boundary lovers.

They’re not.

There are a number of degrees of boundary busters. Some will dislike your boundaries and be angry about them. Others will try to make you change your mind–or else. Some will decide to make you pay if you enforce boundaries. Some will try to make you pay BIG TIME if you try to reclaim your own thoughts, feelings, time, personal decisions, and calling.

Disgruntled people who don’t like your boundaries may pout, whine, yell, or stomp around, depending on their (emotional) age. If you’re quietly persistent in enforcing your boundaries, most of them adjust to the new normal.

Boundary haters who are used to having a very high degree of control over you will exhibit all kinds of nasty behavior. So will those whose emotional security is based on having all your attention. (These people can look like arrogant bullies or soft-spoken people who cry easily.)

Here are some things I have seen either personally or dealt with in student situations.

  • A woman who had saved money for her first writing conference had it stolen by her spouse so she couldn’t go. [I loved her response though. She promptly applied for a scholarship, won it, and went.]
  • One student years ago (who was writing songs and a picture book, which he only worked on three times a week) had his wife threaten to gain weight if he didn’t give up the writing and spend that time with her. He kept writing, and she gained fifty pounds, informing him of every ten-pound gain.
  • One woman decided to write for an hour after her children went to school, putting off her daily visit next door to her elderly father for just an hour. He gave her the “after all I’ve done for you” speech and then threatened to cut her out of his will. She persisted in writing first, and to my knowledge, he never followed through.
  • One friend was dropped by another friend when she asked to change the time of their garage sale/coffee get-togethers so she could write. The friend wouldn’t change at all and found someone else to hang out with, cutting the writer out of her life.

Thankfully these are extreme situations, but they happen.

You’re Not Alone

Some writers and writers-to-be are in close relationships with emotional blackmailers, passive-aggressive people, narcissists, and verbal abusers. They are difficult–but not impossible–to set and enforce boundaries with. I say that because I’ve done it.

I cover these issues in my chapter on severe boundary busters in my upcoming “Boundaries for Writers” e-book. I’m glad there are many additional books on these specific types of boundary invaders, and I include them in the “Resources” chapter.

Don’t let this post scare you. Let it encourage you instead, in case you suspect you have one or more people in your life who may react badly to a boundary. Most of us have at least one within the family, in our extended family, or within our friendships.

Do you think you might have one in your life? If so, leave a comment! [You don’t need to reveal specifics.]